The Punisher

If you've ever been an overnight guest in someone else's house, there's a good chance you've slept on a fold out couch. I've slept on quite a few, and it seems like spending the night on even the nicest, newest one is akin to spending the night on some sort of medieval torture rack. But I don't think I have ever encountered anything like the guest bed my parents used to have - The Punisher.

I think the Punisher started life as my sister Charlene's bed. The Punisher was a twin-sized trundle bed - a regular-ish twin bed with a bed underneath that pulled out from and then sprang up to the height of its evil parent bed. I am not sure why this arrangement was necessary, whether that extra hidden bed was ever someone's assigned sleeping place, or if it was there in case of overnight guests. My mom wasn't big on sleepovers - I think she was pretty annoyed to see US in the morning, and theoretically, we lived there.

The Punisher came with these nifty kelly green bolsters that I guess would let you disguise the Punisher as a daybed as well. Those bolsters weren't really useful for much else but I do remember us (Char and me, then later, me and Chris) beating the living shit out of each other with them. I can remember running down the hallway with one, screaming, with a pillowcase on my head (which had a pillow inside of it, to make the pillowcase stand up like a magnificent headdress). So, they did serve some purpose. This behavior may explain my mother's reluctance to have overnight guests.

When you pulled the underneath bed out from under the Punisher, it was often a challenge to get that underneath bed to rise up to regular bed height the way it was supposed to. (Let's call that underneath bed "Spawn of Punisher" for clarity.) You had to push down a little on SOP to get it to release and come up, and most times it wouldn't react right away. So you'd push down on it a little harder, and harder, and soon you'd pretty much have all of your weight on it, and be jumping on the thing until SPRROOOINNNG it would launch upwards, propelling you toward the ceiling, through the roof, and up into the sky. SOP developed the habit in the later years of crashing to the floor in the middle of the night, while you were asleep, making it the guest bed equivalent of a nonconsensual trip on the FreeFall ride at Great Adventure. A system of ropes was deployed to lessen this risk.

But overall, SOP was a fairly comfortable bed, once you got past the initial rocket ship ride to the ceiling during setup, and once the midnight plunge to the floor issue was resolved. SOP was nothing compared to the back breaking horror of...The Punisher.

The thing about a trundle bed, at least, the thing about The Punisher, was that in order to accommodate SOP, there was no boxspring underneath the mattress. As I think about it, I would expect there would be a sturdy platform under there instead, but based on the way it sagged, I would venture a guess that there was NOTHING under there. Just a bedframe, with a mattress. I know this can't be true, but that was the way it felt to lie on it.

The Punisher sagged when you LOOKED at it. Just the weight of your eyes on it would make it creak, then sag. And that brings me to the other issue - the creaking. Raising your index finger to the side of your face to scratch generated enough creaking to wake the whole house. Scratching your face three times resulting it CREAK CREAK CREAK - every movement amplified enough to telegraph your every move.

The Punisher was banished several years ago from the computer room where it conducted its reign of terror. Once Chris moved out, his old room was outfitted with a very nice queen sized be that I will confirm is VERY comfortable. But I think I heard that Mom put the Punisher up in the attic. At night, when it is quiet, if you listen closely, you can hear it....

(softly) crreeeeeeeak.......... creeeeeaaaaaak..........

Comments

[Mom]

Next time you come home I'll get the Punisher down from the attic and you can relive old times. Ryan, on the other hand can sleep in the comfy queen size bed.
The Punisher actually had a padded frame under it but after years of wild children jumping up and down on it the frame broke in several places, therefore the sags and creaks. I think I hear the poor thing crying up in the attic. It must have read your blog.

[Charlene]

CRAP.....she still has that thing. While I was reading this I thought to myself "Hummm bet mom still has that stupid bed" and look now there is proof! There comes a time when things should be laid to rest out at the curb for trash pick-up, but not if your Mom.

[Charlene]

CRAP.....she still has that thing. While I was reading this I thought to myself "Hummm bet mom still has that stupid bed" and look now there is proof! There comes a time when things should be laid to rest out at the curb for trash pick-up, but not if your Mom.

[Charlene]

Sorry I posted twice by accident!

[Charlene]

Sorry I posted twice by accident!

[Michelle]

Sure, she could put it out at the curb, but then I would complain about that. I'll explain in a separate post.

[Michelle]

Also, I need to protest here - why does Ryan get to sleep in the nice bed and I have to get the Punisher? I will have you know, I think he was the person who actually NAMED it The Punisher.

[Ryan]

Woohoo! No punisher for me!